Last month, I was going through my long trail of medical records since turning 40 and being diagnosed with cancer. In doing so, I happened to notice the records of my last significant KP encounter prior to all this and before the pandemic. And there it was:
A- IUP @ 7w6d
MISSED AB TWINS
My medical record is one of the few places that acknowledges that our twins existed. And even so, some would argue that they didn't because it was so early and would they qualify as fetuses? Nevertheless, they were real, and it is documented in the depths of my confidential medical records.
The other part that I continue to ponder surrounds the hyperpolarized topic of abortion. I had a missed abortion. It was not elective, to be sure, quite the opposite in fact. I prefer to call it by its other names--missed miscarriage or silent miscarriage. Although I was familiar with spontaneous abortions (i.e. miscarriages, also non-elective), for some reason I never realized that a woman could be carrying around death in her womb for weeks with a missed abortion. Not to downplay the trauma of spontaneous abortions, but walking around and trying to live my life while my body was still figuring out there were nonviable babies inside did a number on my mental health. And the options I was presented with by my doctor reminded me too much of precisely what I did not want to do, did not want to choose to do. (And were those even covered by my health insurance? I would hope so for the sake of women's reproductive health but I knew for sure they weren't covered as elective procedures.)
Anyway.
I have been having stress and anxiety over being a working parent again. It makes me wonder at fighting so hard for my life through cancer treatments only to find myself not wanting to live my life in this overwhelmed "I can't handle all this!" state. Then what did I fight so hard for? Not this life? This is my life! I'm the only one who can do something about it. Not my kids, not my husband, not my employer.
Wouldn't it be nonsensical to have suicidal ideation after fighting tooth and nail for one's life?
I don't want to die. But I don't want to live what I think my life is right now either. So I need to make some changes. But I can't give up any responsibilities. I can alter the way I think about them. I can adjust expectations. I can ask for help. What more can I say "no" to so that I can say "yes" to life? That is the question.
Ironically, raising toddler twins on top of all this would have been even more stressful and overwhelming. But I would have done it. I would have fought for them too, and I would have loved it. I would have included them in my "yes" and chosen something else to say "no" to. But I didn't have that choice, did I. A lot of things are chosen for us. But some things are not. Need to focus on what I need to choose.
