In 30 days, I celebrate a milestone. Unsurprisingly, I have been pensive these last few months as I approach my 40th birthday. I don't get a lot of time to pause and reflect, and the inhumane level of multi-tasking I was attempting during the pandemic does not help. Slowly I am weaning myself from that (although the brain damage has been done imho). Maybe putting words together like this, like I used to do so profusely in my 20s, will help.
The other day I was thinking back to the past decade, only to realize I was in fact thinking about two decades ago. Time is warped in my memory. If my 20s were a meandering in the desert, my 30s were a slightly too long sprint on an unevenly paved track, culminating in a run through a sick carnival fun house that I'm not sure we're actually out of yet. There were a lot of fun parts, and a lot of joy and blessing. After thirty years of feeling like a discombobulated entity, I was living that integrated life that I so longed for as a college student. It hasn't been all easy, but it has been relieving and at ease. Not sure if that makes sense, but there it is.
To be sure, there is a lot more wisdom and experience to be gained as I look forward. My thoughts are still much like that slightly contrary teen of my youth, but I hold my tongue and listen more. I look forward to a later time when I will know how best to put forth what I perceive and process. It's nice to have one's frontal lobes and prefrontal cortex more fully developed though. My gosh what a difference it makes! But the thought that my brain has peaked or is peaking and it's all downhill from soon... that is pretty dreadful.
Ten years ago, I was apparently reading Anthony de Mello's Awareness. "I'm an Ass, You're an Ass. That’s the most liberating, wonderful thing in the world, when you openly admit you’re an ass. It’s wonderful." This is a humorously sobering reminder as I attempt to raise children now. There is nothing so humiliating as learning about the heart of God as I parent. It is horrifying and the most splendid thing at the same time. Exasperation mixed with awe.
I still trust in that higher power. Our relationship has evolved greatly over the past decade. I struggle to feel the intimacy moreso than before, but I know we're still together. The signs are different. Probably I am different.
I am different. I am now JI. HAHA
